You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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