I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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