i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
