I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
