Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
