Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
