farters have to be the big spoon...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
