if you like me you must not know who I am
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize