no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
