I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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