I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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