Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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