the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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