What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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