cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
