The maid of honor just puked.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
