I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
