No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
