he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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