where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
