i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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