Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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