Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
