my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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