There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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