I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
