Are we in a gay sports bar?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
