so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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