She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
