My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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