Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We need to get me chipped asap
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
