remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
