My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
