Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
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