i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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