how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
