So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
