the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
