i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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