When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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