So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
