omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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