Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
