I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
