Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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