He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
