my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
