If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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