her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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