mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
