swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
