My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
