so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He shit in the fireplace
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