Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
