Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
