oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
