My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
