i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
