a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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