Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
